Let me start by saying this is an extremely personal post. I’ve gone back and forth about posting it, and after working on it for several weeks, I think I am ready to share. If you don’t have something nice to say, please don’t say anything. Thanks!
I am jealous of one of my husband’s co-workers. Yep, I said it. And I am not proud of it.
I have only ever been jealous of one other female (GirlA for this post) in my husband’s life, and after much thought, I realized I was only jealous of GirlA because I was insecure in MYSELF. That was over 7 years ago and James was a baby. GirlA was my age (my husband is 4 years older than I am), she was beautiful and super thin, and she made my skin crawl. I really liked her as a person, I just didn’t like that she was friends with my husband. We had the same Christian beliefs, and I didn’t think she would do (or say) anything to tempt my husband. She didn’t. It was all me being … CRAZY.
But here I am again, finding myself angry that the hubs has a friend (GirlB for this post) – at work – that I hardly know. She is probably 10 years younger than he is, beautiful and super thin. She does NOT have the same beliefs that I (or we) do. I don’t know what her views are on staying faithful to your spouse. I’ve met GirlB – probably twice – and she is nice enough. I make myself sick wondering if they talk – and if they talk, do I know what they talked about. If they have lunch together, do they eat with their other co-workers or do they eat alone? Is it any of my business? (If it doesn’t affect me, probably not.) I feel insecure – again.
He has other female co-workers, and I am not jealous over those ladies. Those other ladies are awesome!
I have been very truthful with my husband – he knows exactly how I feel. He knows that the “little green bug” has taken hold. He thinks I am silly. I KNOW THAT. It IS silly. I am a grown-up. I shouldn’t have to deal with this high school silliness. What he fails to see is how insecure and insignificant he makes me feel by not taking my side and saying “Sayonara” to GirlB and their friendship.
Now, let me be perfectly clear. I trust my husband. I do not trust things (in this case GirlB) that has been put in his life to tempt him in any way. Maybe she was put there to make me crazy! 😉 Maybe she wasn’t thrown in his life to tempt him. Maybe she was put in our life so we could share our beliefs (I know the hubs has talked to her about these things). I just don’t know.
My point is I feel silly. Silly and insecure. The hubs is not an emotional, romantic, share-my-feelings kind of guy. He NEVER has been. That probably doesn’t help my anxious feelings! I don’t want to be jealous and insecure. I want to change it, I just don’t know where to start. Perhaps becoming friends with GirlB, would make it so that she didn’t feel the need to be friends with the hubs?
How do you change that insecure feeling?
*My husband has read this post, and he’s ok with me posting it. He thinks it’s funny that I put a disclosure.
**Full Disclosure: This is me sharing my feelings. Obviously, all thoughts, opinions and feelings are my own. I was not compensated in any way for this post.
I totally understand your feelings. Its hard not to be jealous when your spouse has friends of the opposite sex. I suspect it is nothing more than friendship but that doesnt help your feelings at all. I think its a good idea to become friends with her. Maybe invite her to your home so she can see your beautiful children and your family life. Who knows? You may even make a good friend of her.
She’s been over once before. She is just so YOUNG – I have a hard time finding common ground with her. Thanks, MMP!
I think it all boils down to trust, you say your husband has never crossed boundaries, never given you cause to suspect that he’s not honoring your marriage? If this is true take a look at yourself, step up your game in terms of your diet & exercise, invest a bit in refreshing your hair, makeup & clothing. Be the best you that you can be.
If this doesn’t help, perhaps a few sessions with a qualified person might help you sort out exactly where these feelings are coming from.
Thanks Jean! I would love to join a gym. I have never been much of a make-up girl, but I would love to have my pre-baby figure back.
I am the jealous type. I have issue with co ed friendships. And it is my personal belief that there is no reason opposite sx friends should spend time alone. If it was a life long friend type of thing it would be different. I have been in this situation just not at work and I think if I bothers me it’s NOT silly.
I tend to agree – I feel like people should stick to friends of their own gender. As far as I know, they aren’t hanging out alone at work – when he sees her, it’s a group setting. But I still feel uncomfortable about it. Thank you for your words!
I totally get it. I also believe that while it does stem from us having a confidence issue BUT I also think that if our spouse is aware of that lack of confidence there are ways they could help us improve our confidence too. Unfortunately I think its just not the way some guys are wired,
Sara, when I’m feeling ” less than” it’s usually because I’m not doing all the things needed to keep me healthy & looking my best. Sit & think it over, does your husband honor your marriage with his words & his actions? Does he respect whatever boundaries you guys have in place for friendships outside the marriage? Is he possibly one of those guys who enjoys sparking jealousy in his partner? Only you can answer these questions, but if it turns out that he’s acting appropriately then you need to turn your thoughts to you. What is missing for Sara?
Hugs to you!
Thanks Jean! I think it really is all on me. I will see what I can do about making myself better!
Thanks for sharing! To say I haven’t felt the same way would be a lie. After driving myself crazy I have come to the realization that I trust and believe in myself… If the worst possible scenario I’ve dreamed up became true, I would be ok. Devastated YES!! But I woul,d be able to pick myself up and move on with my life! I refuse to allow the devil to consume my thoughts and worry about things I can’t control. If my spouse is going to act inappropriately (I trust he won’t) I will deal with that situation when it happens…
Marla, I just love you! Thank you! I needed to hear that!
🙂
You know what? You may be jealous of more than that she’s younger and super thin. Emotional connections are important, and if you feel he is talking with her about stuff he doesn’t talk with you about, that they have a friendship that he knows bothers you, then it’s NOT silly. But, instead of being eaten up with jealousy, concentrate on fostering a deep and strong marriage and cultivate a deep friendship with your husband.
Thanks! We have been making some changes (going to bed at the same time, etc.) and they are helping.
You are most definitely not alone in that feeling. I too feel that way sometimes especially because I know I do not look the same as I did when my husband and I started dating, a couple of kids will do that to a women 🙂 my husband’s personality is also one where he is friendly to everyone and some women might take it the wrong way. I also have told him my feelingand he thinks it is silly. I trust my husband he has never done anything for me not and you are right it is me that feels insecure with myself. So I offer no advice but I know for me I am working ob myself and getting back to I feel comfortable in myself. Thanks for sharing it is good to know you are not the only person that feels that way 🙂
It is good that you have been so open about this, and feelings are feelings, no matter if they are based on reality or not.
The thing is, you seem to be focusing too much on the “vixen” and her temptations. Cheating comes from insider the cheater, whether because they feel neglected or because it is in their nature. I am in no way inferring that your husband is either.
Thank you, I needed to hear that!
When you find out how to get rid of those feelings, let me know. I do not get jealous of Matt with girls out in public etc, but when he works and has co-workers who are perfect looking, it is hell on me at times. He has been unemployed since I have made peace with myself, so we will see if those feelings return when he finds a new job, but you are not alone.
All I can tell you is to not make yourself sick over it. In the end, there is nothing you can do but trust and have faith that your relationship is strong enough to withstand any temptation that may come his way whether it is from her or from someone or something else.
Thank you, Kathleen! I am glad I am not alone in it. Does Matt know you get jealous?
((HUGS)) It’s ok to have these feelings. As long as you are open and honest with your husband and he can reassure you that nothing is going on then your just having a moment. We all have those.
Kas
Thanks, Kas!
*hugs* I was insecure when my husband lost his wedding ring at sea and he didn’t replace it until a year later. I always thought that some chica was going to think he was single and lure him away! But they didn’t and he has a ring again.
I hope Girl B doesn’t cause any trouble.
My hubs carries his wedding band in his pocket. He is silly that way – but I really think that’s because his mom basically said “Men don’t wear jewelry” from the time he was VERY young. He doesn’t wear a watch or necklaces either.
I am making friends with Girl B. I am going to meet her for dinner next week – just me and her.
Well I hope the dinner goes well! And that does seem silly he doesn’t wear the wedding band. Bad MIL.
We’ve been married almost 10 years and, in total, he’s probably worn his ring for about 6 months! LOL!
Well at least he has worn it some of the time. LOL
It is hard for me to offer words of wisdom here since I do not know the complete story. I CAN say that I have felt this way before. About a woman that is way older than my husband. And she was happily married and never even flirted with Josh. But I was jealous because I had issues about myself. And when I was insecure, I was not fun to be around. Then he’d talk about something cool the office manager did at work and I felt even more insecure cause I wanted him to brag about me, not her!
Anyways, I think that you need to spend time in prayer. Ask God to help you see yourself the way God sees you. Ask God to give you security. God is the only answer I can give!
Thanks Annie! I have prayed and prayed about this. All I can ever come up with is asking God to send her away! I have decided to make friends with her. Hubs gave me her number, so I asked her out to dinner – just me and her. I really feel like it’s my own insecurities – so I am working on that.
This is serious, and I don’t mean to treat it like it’s not, but I want to share an “amusing anecdote” about something I did several years ago when I had similar feelings about my boyfriend at the time. We were living together and he was talking more and more about this woman at work and I didn’t like the feeling I had about it. So rather than be a grown up and actually talk about it, I started getting up early and making him breakfast. This was a big deal because I am NOT a morning person. I’m not ashamed to admit that I did this for the sole purpose of putting garlic in his eggs. I added garlic to the sausage. I even laced his biscuits with garlic butter.
To me its a funny story now, as he is an ex-boyfriend and a few of my close friends and family members use “garlic scrambled eggs” as a code phrase.
((Hugs)) the rule in our marriage regarding opposite sex friendships is that 1-the other spouse has complete veto power for any reason (we’ve never used it) 2- we never talk about each other except in positive and glowing terms (ie I will never complain about my husband to another guy. Ever. And visa versa) 3-if we or the friend shows any signs of attraction beyond friends it is ended immediately (in this example – if the girl showed more-than-friend interest AT ALL your husband would put an immediate end to the relationship or if your husband found himself thinking twice about her he would immediately end the relationship.
Simple rules…we’ve never had to implement #1 or #3 – usually #2 is enough to discourage anyone looking for something extra and honors the marriage vows. Part of the promise to protect, honor, and cherish includes emotional protection. 🙂
Thanks 🙂 Since writing this post, I have (mostly) become okay with their friendship.
Glad to hear it! Sometimes all it takes is verbalizing things clearly to get rid of those feelings. 🙂